TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let's have another place where by American Adult men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel the place my PTSD may have flip-down service."


One more Trump Tower Damascus publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

Report this page